Saturday, September 18, 2010

What to Watch on TV?

The fall TV season is upon us so your pal Hollywood Jeff decided to filter through the TV schedule to pick out the TV shows you should be watching right now. Check out the list and start watching your boob tube again! There's even some good shows to watch on basic cable! So grab your remote, set up your TIVO and get comfy cuz here's what you should be watching...

10. Jersey Shore - Love em or hate em you can't deny the Jersey Shore's indelible mark on pop culture right now. This season has the gang invading Miami's beaches, clubs and of course gyms, tanning salons and laundromats (GTL, BABY!). Hang with the M. V. P.s (Mike, Vinny and Paulie of course!) as they search for females DTF all while avoiding tranny's and grenades! Cuddle up with Snooki (this blogger's personal fave!), Sammi, J-Woww, Angelina and watch out for Ronnie on the prowl! Watch for them to head back to Seaside Heights later this fall as the Miami Beach run winds down.

9. Cake Boss - Follow Buddy as he makes delicious cakes in the shapes of Sesame Street, motocycles and pretty much anything you ask him too!

8. The League - Hilarious comedy about the triumphs and tribulations of a fantasy football league where the size of your trophy really does matter! This show proved that you can turn a kiddie birthday party into a league event and added the word "Traderape" to everyday fantasy lingo. This season picks up with the league drafting in Vegas, Ochocinco guest starring and Andre making changes to the prized Trophy! If your not watching then start!

7. How I Met Your Mother - Neil Patrick Harris as Barney is why you have to watch this hit CBS comedy. He carries the show with help from Allison Hannigan and Jason Segal. Without this trifecta the show would be just another generic romcom but you have to watch it just for these three! They are Legen -wait for it - dary!!

6. Weeds - Already in it's sixth season this Showtime staple provides some of the greatest cliffhangers so I'm excited to see what's in store this season after last season's stellar cliffhanger.

5. Eastbound and Down - Danny McBride stars as former MLB pitcher Kenny Powers who can be best described as the lovechild between Mitch Williams and John Rocker. Will Ferrell and Craig Robinson guest star in season 1. Hilarity ensues when Powers is forced to move back to his hometown and in with his brother.

4. The Office - This season will be Steve Carrell's last one on the show so I hope he exits with grace and dignity! Well you know that won't happen so I can't wait to see how it all ends for the great Michael Scott!

3. True Blood - I love how vampire Bill Compton fails in his quest to watch over and protect the love of his life Sookie Stackhouse. He's the worst vampire ever! Tune in to see blood, guts, sex, violence, cursing, shape shifting, need i say more?

2. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - What will the gang do next? Whatever it is i'm sure it will be filled with acts of kindness, goodwill and love...wait who am i kidding i hope they'll be up to all their tricks of dastardly deeds of tom foolery, back stabbing and selfishness! Charlie should get an Emmy!

1. Dexter - Brilliant edgy thriller following serial killer Dexter on the prowl for his next victim. After last season's bloody cliffhanger how will Dex keep it together? Here's hoping he doesn't, it'll make for better TV!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Everyone is Expendable!

I cannot wait to go see Sylvester Stallone's new action flick The Expendables when it opens this August!
There has never EVER been this many box office stars in one movie.
Stallone enlists the biggest and baddest action stars including The Transporter Jason Statham, The Terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Die Hard himself Bruce Willis, The Wrestler Mickey Rourke, Ivan Drago Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Jet Li, Stone Cold Steve Austin, MMA Superstar Randy Couture, David Zayas from the hit TV show DEXTER and of course THAT guy Eric Roberts who you can probably catch starring in any late night Cinemax flick!

In anticipation of Sly's return to the Silver Screen I've compiled my list of non Rocky-Rambo Stallone movies that every action fan must see!

10. Lock Up - More like Rocky in Jail! This movie put Stallone in Rahway prison against a ruthless warden played by Donald Sutherland. A sober Tom Sizemore plays Stallone's pal in jail as Stallone fights for his life in order to make it out of jail alive! Watch as Sly shows off his football skills in a prison yard mud bowl pitting the good inmates against the hand picked baddies by the evil warden!

9. Daylight - Imagine traveling through the Lincoln Tunnel and having it collapse! That's what Stallone faces in this disaster flick co starring Viggo Mortensen and Danielle Harris of Halloween fame! Judging Amy's Amy Brenneman and Stallone's real life son Sage round out the cast as Stallone races against time to rescue the people trapped inside the tunnel. They must reach DAYLIGHT before it's too late!

8 - Judge Dredd - I am the Law! Stallone flexes his Sci-Fi muscles playing the futuristic Lawman who is judge, jury and executioner! Any movie that has the legendary Max Von Sydow in it is a must see! Armand Assante is the villain and Rob Schneider plays the comic relief sidekick. Oh and a smoking hot Diane Lane plays the hottie! It's worth it just to watch Sly ride those ridiculous sky motorcycles or whatever those things were called!

7 - Get Carter - Underrated Sly flick from 2000 that has Stallone playing a mob enforcer who has to return home to avenge his brother's untimely death. Strong cast featuring Rachel Leigh Cook, Michael Caine, Mickey Rourke and his dog, Alan Cumming and John C. McGinley.

6 - Assassins - Hollywood's own triple threat Stallone, Antonio Banderas and Juliann Moore star in this action packed thriller written by the Wachowski Brothers pre-Matrix. Sly just wants out of the killing game and of course has to do one last hit before he can. Banderas wants the top spot and must take out Sly to clam it while Moore is the pawn in the middle. Great cat and mouse scenes such as the taxi cab scene where the hitmen meet and face off for the first time!

5 - Tango and Cash - Sly plays Ray Tango to Kurt Russell's Gabriel Cash. Rival cops who are framed and sent to prison for a crime they didn't commit. Teri Hatcher plays Sly's sis while Jack Palance is the evil villain determined to take Tango and Cash down. Features Sly dissing his own movie franchise when he proclaims that "Rambo IS a pussy!" after fellow officers quip, "Who does he think he is, Rambo?" Great chemistry between Stallone and Russell. Should have been a sequel to this one!

4 - Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! - Ha! Just kidding! Wanted to see if you were paying attention!

4 (the real one!) - The Specialist - How can you go wrong with Sharon Stone sharing the screen with Stallone in a revenge story set in Miami? Stallone plays an explosives expert who must save Stone from the likes of Rod Steiger, James Woods and Eric Roberts! Stallone put into the script that he must be the one on top in the shower scene between him and Stone!

3 - Cobra - One of my all time faves! Scared the crap outta me when i was younger! Sly is a city cop who is trying to protect Brigitte Nielson from a serial killer. Creepy Brian Thompson plays the Night Slasher who is out to kill Nielson for witnessing one of his gangs crimes! Sly is at his best here dishing out one liners and kicking ass! A must see!

2 - Cliffhanger - Sly takes to the mountains to save his best friend and the girl he loves. A brilliant John Lithgow portrays the villain who will stop at nothing to attain the suitcases of money trapped high in the mountains. Renny Harlin directs the non stop roller coaster of thrills spills and the F word! Sly finds the magical sweater in an abandoned cabin and miraculously avoids frostbite the rest of the movie! Co-starring Magic Man Dan Maerjle of the Phoenix Suns and Janine Turner. When i saw it on the big screen i couldn't believe that Sly dropped the girl in the beginning of the movie! I thought, "Since when does Rocky fail?" Also made me afraid of heights so watch it on a 52 inch or larger screen!

Drum roll please for the number one Sly action flick........and the Winner is.....

1 - Demolition Man - Send a maniac to catch a maniac! Sly stars as John Spartan who is wrongfully cybernetically frozen in 1996 only to be unfrozen in the future to catch Wesley Snipes' Simon Phoenix! Sandra Bullock is Sly's rookie partner and Denis Leary pops up as Sly's underground informant. Rob Schneider is the funny man again as Sly has to pull out all the stops in order to stop Phoenix from destroying San Angelas!

So get out there and make it a Sly marathon and go see The Expendables on August 13th!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Shameless Website Plug!

Go visit hosted by my good buddy Scott! It's a great website so go check it out and try to win cool merch and prizes from the boys at MOVIESUCKTASTIC!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Nicholas Cage - National Treasure?

I am not a fan of one Nicholas Cage! I don't understand why he keeps headlining movies cuz he plays the same character in all of them! The thing that bugs me though is that if i do watch a movie he's in i end up liking the movie in spite of Mr. Cage! That's because he usually surrounds himself with a ton of talent like a superstar director and an all star cast. I noticed movies that feature Cage as the main star and a bunch of bit actors are the ones that i come away from thinkin why did u let Cage fool you again! I knew going in i wasn't going to enjoy the movie because of his one trick acting and yet i fell for it again! Curse you Cage! I bring all this up because every year Cage averages about 50.2 movies! I exaggerate of course but it's annoying how many movies he churns out. i really want to see the new movie Kick Ass but once i saw his retardedness in the previews i cringed and cried out NOOOO! But a prime example of the movie being bigger then Cage because it's adapted from a graphic novel by Mark Millar who also penned Wanted and if Kick Ass is half the movie Wanted was then Kick Ass is going to be a good flick! All despite having Nic Cage in the movie. Here's a capsule summary of Nic Cage movies that Ive seen. Keep in mind that he's done over 1 billion films and still counting!

Ghost Rider - I liked this movie cuz half the movie was CGI Ghost Rider which spared me from looking at Cage's noggin.

Face Off - Awesome movie with a kick ass John Woo directing and a powerful star performance from John Travolta! Oh yeah and hottie Gina Gershon smoked up the screen with her sexiness! Cage wasn't too bad but he was just playin himself after all so how hard could that really have been?

Raising Arizona - Hilarious Coen Bros movie! Again proving that if Cage isn't workin with top directors his movies are crap!

Family Man - Horrible drama with Tea Leoni. No superstar director or all star cast to bail out Cage on this weepy melodrama! And why does Cage always think he's funny in movies like this? He's not funny at all just really annoying!

Kiss of Death - Mob movie featuring Samuel L. Jackson and David Caruso which shoulda been good but Cage ruined it! It sucks just like all of Cage's performances!

Con Air - Convicts in space! Yes! All Star cast bailed Cage out on this one.

The Rock - One word: Connery! Kick Ass Sean Connery carried this movie!

It Could Happen To You - Combine Cage with Rosie Lopez and i wish i could erase this hour and half crapfest from my memories. Absolutely dreadful. I hate Lopez more then I hate Cage!

National Treasure - Not a bad paint by numbers poor mans indiana jones but since cage is the star i hated it!

These are the only ones i remember so if i think of more crappy Cage movies i'll post em and just for the record i don't hate Nic Cage the personally i just want him to stop making movies!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Cotes d'Armor

Coming in April the talented former dc Talk member Kevin Max will be releasing his new album entitled Cotes d'Armor. I'm really looking forward to it! Max always delivers stunning vocals, vibrant sound and a fresh unique perspective that few Christians aspire to. Max penned this poem and i figured I'd share it on this blog. You can find this poem along with everything Kevin Max over at

Cotes d’ Armor- A Poem

i blew up in the 90’s
just to fall in the zeroes
spent so much of my time
looking for heroes
who were all nonexistent
and had expired before 1920
and so we marched against the fields of the plenty
and the towns of the entitled
somewhere along the coast
of Cotes d’ Armor
i found a rifle with a bad tattoo
picked it up and blew a hole through you
and now you’re a ghost
and all of your friends
wander around in a world of dead ends
and fractured scenery
still spouting the same dead verse
riding the same machinery
and as we passed the borderline
i saw a neon billboard in your name
it was rusted and blemished
but had survived the flames
of the moon they called wormwood
and i stopped in my tracks
looked to the sky
paused for a moment
then took my own life.

-Kevin Max 2010

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Pixar Update

Well I've done it! I've finally seen all the Pixar Disney films! I just recently watched Ratatouille so here's my take on it...Didn't really like it, which is rare cuz i pretty much like all the Pixar movies! It was just not really geared towards kids and when Jared tuned out after the first five minutes and i had to watch it myself I'm thinking that Pixar just didn't have it with this one.

First off it stars rats and that's why i have been avoiding this movie cuz based off the previews i was not into it. I mean c'mon who wants to watch a movie bout a rat? It's not even a cute rat like the way they made Mickey Mouse a love able mouse, it's a rat that you probably have crawling around in your kitchen cabinet right now!
Second all the dialogue is way over little kids heads and most of the action takes place in the kitchen of the resteraunt...BORING! So me and Jared give this movie the thumbs down and Jared hasn't had any desire to watch this one anymore!

So to recap...Ratatouille is a miss and Jared's favorite Pixar movies remain...Up, Cars, Finding Nemo and Toy Story!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Best and Worst Baseball Movies

With spring right around the corner and the boys of summer reporting to spring training camp I'd thought I'd take some time to cover some of the best and worst baseball movies.

The problem with any sports movie is most actors can't play sports and most athletes can't act! With that in mind here are my picks for the BEST baseball movies I've seen!

1 - Major League - Ha! Fooled you! You thought I would say The Field of Dreams cuz that's a popular movie critics love to hail as the best baseball movie ever. Wrong! It's a sappy melodramatic Lifetime movie and worse it stars Kevin Costner! Ok sorry got off on a tangent there...Major League is the best because it never pretends to be authentic it is what it sez it is a baseball comedy! Delivered masterfully by all actors participating! Charlie Sheen shoulda quit acting cuz he never topped Ricky Vaughn, "The Wild Thing"! Even Good Hands With All State Black guy as Pedro Cerrano delivered one of the most memorable movie quotes in recent memory with his classic, "Fuck you JoBoo I do it myself!" then cracks a home run to left field! Bob Uecker delivering classic lines such as "Just a bit outside" when the ball is nowhere near the plate! Wesley Snipes sliding head first and coming up just a bit short of the bag and the second basemen taunting Snipes with the ball! Classic! Go buy it and watch it every summer! Good Times!

2 - Bull Durham - Finally a Kevin Costner movie that doesn't suck! This is a great baseball movie with a sexy Susan Surandon to spice things up! Great baseball acting and great quotes. Again though it's a comedy so it doesn't pretend to be anything other then that and that's why it's a great baseball film!

3 - A League of Their Own - Leave it up to chicks to make a superior baseball movie then most of the current crop out there! Likable cast featuring Madonna, Geena Davis, Lori Petty and a *gasp* extremely likable Rosie O'Donnell! Tom Hanks nails the role of manager and everybody has used his "Are you crying? There's no crying in baseball!" line forever! Great baseball scenes as well make this a sure fire hit with all!

4 - Rookie of the Year - Another comedy cracks my fave baseball films and it's no wonder this movie was a big hit with families across the land. Every single kid dreams of playing in the big leagues and the dude that starred in the American Pie movie gets to live his dream by pitching for the Cubs! Family friendly fun for all!

5 - Major League 2 - It feels recycled but this time the Indians win the world series so it still is good.

And that's about it. I really can't watch any other baseball movies cuz they are fake and are really just chick flicks in disguise designed to lure men to watch them on the premise that there will be some baseball played.

So here are the not so great baseball flicks. Watch them and laugh, laugh harder when they're supposed to be taken seriously!

1- The Fan - How could any Robert DeNiro movie be crappy? Stick him in a baseball movie with Wesley Snipes and legendary former Phillies First Baseman John Kruk that's how! Snipes character is a Barry Bonds rip off who is unlikeable and DeNiro plays the obsessed fan who wants to murder Snipes! The movie would have been better if you actually cared about Snipes character but he was so unlikeable you end up rooting for the villain!

2 - Field of Dreams - If you build it he will come was the tagline for this popular movie however i have a new slogan for it If you watch it you will fall asleep. Boring kevin costner hears a voice telling him to build a baseball field in the cornfields so a buncha ghosts can have a field to play ball on. It would have been a lot better if the ghosts were zombies and costner had to fight them off with baseball bats! I woulda loved that. As it is this movie is a sappy farce. Hate it!

3 - For Love of the Game - Another Costner dud. This one is about an aging pitcher who is in the midst of pitching a perfect game when he starts thinking about a girl or some bullshit like that! It's the most chick flickish of all baseball movies and should only be watched by girls. Horrible!

4 - The Scout - Albert Brooks is a scout for the Yankees who signs Brendan Fraser who is basically playing his George of the Jungle character. Absolutely dreadful. I committed suicide after watching this one. Yuck.

5 - Major League 3 Back to the Minors - Horrible third sequel to the Major League franchise! Stars Scott Bakula nuff said. He sucks and so does this movie.

So there you have it. Go watch the good ones and go watch the bad ones and laugh at their crappiness! Can't wait for the season to start! Go Phillies!